Tips for Getting Started with IFS Therapy
By Clarissa Harwell, LCSW and Mariel Pastor, LMFT
In this second installment of our two-part intro series, we continue looking at what it’s like to be a client experiencing Internal Family SystemsSM (IFS) therapy, developed by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D. Those who are new to IFS will find some helpful tips on getting started from IFS Telehealth Collective Co-founder and Lead Trainer, Mariel Pastor LMFT, as well as reassurance there’s nothing you have to get “right” nor anything you need to study in advance to benefit from this powerful healing work.
The companion video by Mariel can be viewed by clicking a link at the end of this post. Be sure to check out the first installment of this series!
Tasting The Dish
In her video, Mariel mentions the multitude of outlets spreading the word about IFS, which is enjoying widespread exposure in all corners of the internet, as well as in books, magazines, podcasts, teleconferences, workshops, and through affiliated professions around the globe. Some corporations are bringing in IFS therapists and coaches to improve morale and to better understand employees and workplace culture. Meanwhile, IFS research continues in the clinical setting and in schools.
Many people get excited from simply hearing IFS theory because the ideas alone can create meaningful and helpful shifts in how we understand ourselves and the world. However, as Mariel cautions, learning the concepts can help us begin relating to ourselves in a more compassionate way but rarely will that be enough to really appreciate all that IFS has to offer. Just like reading a cookbook will teach you the recipe, if you don’t actually “taste” what’s been cooking, you’re left hungry in the end. Moreover, it’s hard for most to apply IFS to themselves, especially at first, without leading from their intellect. Having a trained IFS therapist guide your process, makes all the difference for a deep experience.
More Than One Way
Because IFS therapy is experiential in nature, you’ll soon find yourself shifting from talking about parts to actually contacting and listening to them in a new way. As an IFS beginner, this may be the very first time you’ve related to yourself like this. This transformative process has been in development for more than 30 years and includes a large menu of interventions to attune to each client’s style. All of the core IFS approaches work exceptionally well in contemporary online therapy sessions as well, so your parts don’t have to settle for doing it just one way.
Some who seek IFS therapy are surprised when their therapist invites them to blend with and speak from a part as if it were all of them at that moment. This approach to IFS is known as direct access, where the triggered part directly expresses outwardly their frustrations, beliefs, and fears without inhibition and without other parts coming in to calm it down or pass judgment. In IFS therapy this is different from just venting, though, because we’re being more intentional, with the purpose of building more trust between the part and Self. After a part is invited to blend, often it will more willingly unblend and relax.
Some who seek IFS therapy are surprised when their therapist invites them to blend with and speak from a part as if it were all of them at that moment. This approach to IFS is known as direct access, where the triggered part directly expresses outwardly their frustrations, beliefs, and fears without inhibition and without other parts coming in to calm it down or pass judgment. In IFS therapy this is different from just venting, though, because we’re being more intentional, with the purpose of building more trust between the part and Self. After a part is invited to blend, often it will more willingly unblend and relax.
Between sessions, your IFS therapist might invite you to stay in touch with parts by writing or typing from a part’s point of view in order to support this new way of knowing yourself. This IFS approach to knowing parts is called externalizing and can be done through expressive outlets including journaling, poetry, making art, or using objects to stand in for them. Any and all of these methods are commonly offered by skilled IFS therapists, allowing people to experience their internal system in powerful and effective ways.
Feeling Excited yet Cautious?
Getting started in therapy can feel intimidating or daunting, whether it’s your first time in counseling or not. It’s common to have mixed feelings as you begin - parts that are goal-oriented and want to see results are countered by others who are pessimistic that any approach will work.
Most of us have parts that love to learn new things, enjoy having expertise, and want to be seen as knowledgeable, competent, and good. You might come to therapy with lots of thoughtful insights about your life and your inner world, and yet still feel stuck and want more out of life. Conversely, you might enter counseling feeling scared to learn new things about yourself, or feeling awkward with a different approach, or uncertain you’ll be able to handle the changes you desire. It’s common to experience conflicting feelings about starting therapy - to have skepticism, worry, hope, and hopelessness - perhaps all at once! Far from throwing us off - skilled IFS therapists expect this and will welcome all of these parts while earning their trust and building confidence in the process.
With online therapy it’s no different - some folks begin with eagerness, excitement, and exertion. Others have that inner voice that wants to do all the steps of IFS right, or provide answers to questions that they think are expected. Sometimes we have analytical parts that want to figure out the right way to do therapy or that have a desire to please our new therapist.
All our parts’ efforts can be exhausting, and with IFS therapy they'll begin to transform as more Self-energy is accessed. One reason IFS therapy is so popular is because many people find it brings a more resonant kind of relief, even in the first session.
Beginner Mind
In IFS therapy, you’ll be shown how to approach complex thoughts and feelings with open curiosity, as opposed to analytical interpretation, leading to much greater clarity and change. It is this curiosity - a kind of “not knowing” or “beginner’s mind” that allows us to listen in a new way as we discover answers and resources within.
For those parts of you that want to share your story, are eager to problem-solve or that want lots of advice, being in IFS therapy will feel different. While all of those parts can be helpful and are important to welcome, your therapist will help you unblend those parts without rejecting or controlling them, allowing you to discover your own answers and your own healing resources for whatever feels troubling.
Trusting Honesty
Mariel touches on something that sounds simple but can be difficult in practice - giving yourself permission to be honest with your IFS therapist about yourself and therapy itself.
It makes sense if there have been parts of you that you’ve worked hard not to show others - aspects of yourself that you are afraid to get to know. Being open about how the process is going for you and expressing concerns may not be easy or it may sound a bit scary, especially if you have had painful experiences when being honest about your feelings and allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
Your IFS therapist understands that all your reasons for feeling and behaving the way you do make sense on some level. When you give yourself permission to be transparent and curious about what unfolds, you, too, will learn that things that may not make sense to you right now become clear before long.
Slower is Faster
Your IFS therapist will not rush your process. In fact, eager or impatient parts tend to interrupt the process, not foster it. Because IFS is collaborative in nature, your therapist will be guiding you and your parts, helping with feelings of fear and overwhelm, and being mindful of honoring the innate wisdom and resources within you.
If your parts are feeling excited, nervous, apprehensive, eager, neutral, terrified, or any combination of these or other feelings, welcome. If you aren’t sure how you feel about starting IFS therapy, welcome. If you’re simply curious what all the buzz is about, welcome. IFS can meet you right where you are.
For more inspiration about beginning IFS therapy watch this short video entitled Preparing for IFS Therapy by IFS Telehealth Collective Co-founder and Lead Trainer Mariel Pastor, LMFT.
Are you ready to get started? Our skilled therapists at IFS Telehealth Collective can help you connect with your parts and your inner wisdom to help them heal. Contact our Client Care Coordinator or call 503-447-3244 if you live in California, Florida, Massachusetts, Michigan, New York, or Oregon to be matched with a well-trained IFS therapist.
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